i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
