i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize