I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
