I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
