At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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