Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
