I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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