You can't special order awesome
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
