its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
