I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
