first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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