Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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