I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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