I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
