8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that