The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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