After last night, I could never be a politician.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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