you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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