just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
