I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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