I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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