My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
