Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
