First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
