He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
