Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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