your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
