My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
