apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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