just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
