Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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