I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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