and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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