oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
