my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
