But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
