i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
