i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
