I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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