Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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