I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
