i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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