I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I supernannyed him into submission
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
