somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
