i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
