I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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