Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
they're like a gay fantastic four
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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