I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
