He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
