Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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