Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
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Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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