You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
