so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
