sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
