In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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