Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
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The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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