Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
