Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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