Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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