You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
