just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
