he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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