Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
