god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
