Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
