I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
