Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
